Highdeas: Ranking Brunch Beverages

I hate to say it, but those basic brunch bitches know what’s up sometimes. Brunch is beloved by the basic and hipster alike, and has spawned some truly drool-worthy drinks. After all, what goes better with waffles or eggs than alcohol? Sure, for some people it’s the hair of the dog that bit them, for others it’s the start of their day drinking, but to everyone it’s delicious. Well, mostly delicious—in this list I’ll put into order everyone’s favorite brunch drinks, from grossest, to god-damn delicious. This Sunday, make it a liquid breakfast

7. Bloody Caesar

Apparently the national drink of Canada, this north-of-the-border brunch offering is basically a Bloody Mary with Clamato instead of tomato juice. For those of you blessed with ignorance of Clamato, it’s essentially a blend of clam and tomato juice, straight from Satan’s butthole. I can’t think of a substance more likely to make me projectile vomit.

6. Bloody Mary

It’s a classic, and some may want to fight me for putting it so low on the list, but I absolutely cannot stand Bloody Marys, due to my hatred of tomato juice. Not only gross-tasting, tomato juice has a very particular odor that just carries, infecting the nostrils of all who are near. Every time I’m on a flight I end up stuck next to someone drinking tomato juice, and I spend the flight trying not to gag. In my opinion, this nasty juice doesn’t get a whole lot better with the addition of alcohol… though at least it’s not Clamato.

5. Beer

I like beer, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with beer. However, as a brunch drink, it leaves a lot to be desired. Brunch is fancy time, a time for elegant egg dishes and fun cocktails—beer just doesn’t fit in. Unless it’s the Superbowl, and you’re watching it at noon in Hawaii, you should not be drinking beer on a Sunday morning, period.

4. Tequila Sunrise

I’ve always felt that the tequila sunrise was better to look at than to drink. On first inspection the alluring color gradient looks perfect in a brunch Instagram shot, and the orange juice in it just screams breakfast. However, on first sip, you know you’re drinking tequila. It’s not awful, kind of pleasant, even, in the right circumstances, but a Tequila Sunrise means you’re starting your day drinking off hard. If you start with a Tequila Sunrise, you might not be doing so good by sunset.

3. Shandy

Ah, the beer exception. A shandy, for those sad few not in the know, is a delightful mixture of beer and juice (usually lemonade). The juice helps to balance out the beer taste, and provides a touch of class. You’re not pounding a beer, you’re sipping a shandy. Even if you drink it just for the beer, the juice will help keep you hydrated, and no one will be giving you any sideways looks.

2. Champagne

There’s nothing better than a bottle of bubbly. Champagne is a classic brunch drink, and you should run like hell from any breakfast spot without it. There is nothing that will make you feel like more of a sophisticated fancy-pants than a flute of champagne, and the light crisp flavors pair perfectly with breakfast foods. It almost couldn’t get any better.

1. Mimosas

Champagne almost couldn’t get any better, but it does, in a mimosa. Mimosas can be made with classic orange juice or any other kind of juice you can imagine. This is the ultimate brunch beverage, you get the class that comes with champagne, and the flavor and hydration from the juice. OJ is a breakfast mainstay, so it’s a no brainer to throw in some bubbly for the best brunch cocktail around. The only way it can get better than a mimosa, is if it’s bottomless.

Highdeas: Trader Joe’s Fig & Olive Crisps

Trader Joe’s is definitely my favorite place for snacks because while they have familiar favorites like peanut butter cups, they have other products that are unique takes on something you know, like these dope-ass Fig & Olive Crisps! Again, I don’t get paid, by anyone, for these recommendations, least of all Trader Joe’s (please give me money, TJ!). I just like to promote products that I truly enjoy, and think everyone should know about, like these awesome crackers.

So, I’ve never been one to give much thought to my cheese-bearing crackers before. Usually I would just go with the a standard water or wheat cracker, but those days are long gone. These Fig & Olive Crisps have amazing flavor that comes from the dried figs and olives that are packed into each tiny cracker, while providing a good crunch from the flax, sunflower, and sesame seeds.

Now I know some people might have hangups about some of these ingredients, “I’m not a big fig fan,” you might say or, “It sounds too ‘crunchy granola’ for me,” and I understand the hesitation. To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of figs myself, or of products that pack in all kinds of seeds, but everything blends together perfectly in these crackers to produce a salty, sweet, crunchy little square. They pair crazy well with a creamy brie, going nicely with the cheese without overpowering it. They’re also pretty tasty all on their own, and I’ve been eating them as part of my snack bowls with some other dried fruits and nuts, like a fancy person.

So, on your next trip to Trader Joe’s, definitely toss a box of these crackers into your basket, along with a wedge of their triple-cream, extra-yummy brie, and have yourself a nice little cheese plate with your favorite glass of wine…you will thank me.

*these crisps also come in a raisin and rosemary flavor, which I haven’t tried, but bet are awesome.

Highdeas: Essential Munchy Ingredients

So you got high at home, good start. But now you’re feeling hungry. Hungry, and ambitious, you want something to eat, but something good, not just anything will do. So what do you do?

I hate to say it, but a little preparation is key to your munchy experience—you want your pad to be stocked with versatile and delicious ingredients because driving somewhere for food would be a bad idea. A little planning can make all the difference, and I’m going to lay out some essential ingredients that will elevate your stoney culinary dreams, and bring you to munchy nirvana.

Let’s start off simple and classic with:

Cereal

It’s crunchy, comes in a ton of flavors, and crunchy rhymes with munchy! Eat it dry or with milk, and you have yourself a classic stoner snack. But a bowl of cereal can be boring for the ambitious stoner, so make sure you have on hand some…

Marshmallows

These sneaky treats have so many practical applications, eat them alone, throw them at people, toast them before eating them alone (maybe don’t toast them before throwing them at people), or get more creative with them. My personal favorite are cereal bars. Microwave up some marshmallows with a little butter, mix with cereal, smoosh into a pan, and you have yourself a delightful snack after a little fridge time! The classic cereal for this is, of course, Rice Krispies, but why be basic? Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are all solid options, but heck, why stop with cereal? Do the same with popcorn, and you got yourself popcorn balls, a sweet and salty treat for those who live dangerously.

But maybe now you’re more in the mood for something savory, which is why you’ll want to make sure your fridge is stocked with:

Eggs

Incredible. Edible. Eggs. Scramble those puppies up and have yourself breakfast for dinner, or fry them up for an egg sandwich. Omelettes more your thing? Do it! And don’t forget, if you plan on baking pretty much anything, you’re gonna need a few eggs.

Avocado

Everyone knows how good these are, that’s why the stores are running out! So stock up on these green treats, because you can mash ‘em up into dip or guacamole… have you tried guacamole with Doritos?  Neither have I, but I bet it’d be great. Throw some avocado on toast like a fancy pants, or blend it up into pasta sauce… yeah, you can do that!

 

Recipe for avocado pasta, right here!

But now you need more dessert after your cool avocado pasta. I’ve got you covered with one of my favorite things ever…

Cinnamon Sugar

Simple, but amazing, this magical mixture has so many uses, Cinnamon toast is just the first that comes to mind, but you can do the same with a tortilla, or any carbs you have on hand. Maybe you have vanilla ice cream, but no sundae toppings! Enter the churro ice cream sundae—top your ice cream with some cinnamon sugar and pretend it was all intentional. Cinnamon and sugar can also be used to jazz up other essential ingredients, like…

Bacon

Candied bacon is maybe my new favorite thing, and requires only a quick dredging in cinnamon and brown sugar, then a trip to the oven. That’s it! But this is bacon we’re talking about here! It’s just fine on it’s own, or thrown into pastas and mac and cheese to kick things up. Don’t forget that food can be wrapped in bacon, like dates or tater tots.

My favorite, simple recipe for candied bacon.

These are just some of my favorite ingredients for creating stoney food masterpieces that are both easy and insanely tasty. But if all this sounds too complicated for you after a few puffs, then it might be time to invest in emergency s’mores rations.

Highdeas: Pretty Movies

One of the best, time-tested activities while getting high, is vegging out with a good flick. But what makes for a good stoner movie? Some prefer dumb comedies, and others like something a little more cerebral, but all stoners can agree on one category: pretty movies. What do I mean by “pretty” movies? Simply put, a movie that contains a high degree of visual stimulation—bright colors, smooth movement, and fantastic sets and locations. All are qualities that make a movie look incredible, which generally isn’t the only factor in determining a good movie, but can result in cinematic perfection for the stoned viewer. So read on for some recommendations of movies to watch stoned (or not) that will dazzle your eyeballs.

The Fall (2006)

Fantasy is generally a great genre to watch high, and this film is one of the best to include some of the most beautiful cinematography I’ve ever seen. This is due, in part, to the masterful use of color and the range of spectacular, real-life locations that span the globe. The fact that this beautiful film is centered around a tender and heartbreaking friendship between a suicidal stunt man and little Romanian girl is just the icing on the cake.

Moulin Rouge (2001)

Baz Luhrmann is known for his visually-striking films, but I would say his most flamboyant and dazzling is Moulin Rouge. This movie contains equal parts fun and sorrow, but is filled to overflowing with bright colors, engaging song and dance numbers, and a sometimes frenetic pace. Even if you’re not a musical genre lover, this movie contains music taken from familiar pop hits, and is gorgeous enough to win you over. Let it.

Prometheus (2012)

I might get flack for including this movie rather than, say, Alien (the admittedly superior film), but I do so primarily because of the dramatic improvements in special effects and CGI in modern movies. In this sense, Prometheus retains the spacey Sci-Fi tone of Alien, but with better effects that allow for an increase in scope. While Alien takes place primarily aboard one ship, Prometheus lets the viewer explore a new world, and for that reason, makes for a better visual movie (for a stoner, anyway).

Amélie (2001)
If you don’t mind keeping up with subtitles while you’re stoned, I would encourage you to watch the French film, Amélie. The director Jean-Pierre Jeunet is known for his visually inventive films, and this one is no different, albeit with a more accessible and charming story attached. Colors play heavily into this film (particularly green and red), and the entire movie is practically a Parisian tourism commercial. Watch it if you can handle the travel-lust.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Sometimes the classics are the best option, and although the Wizard of Oz is over 80 years old, most of us still grew up watching it, and for good reason. The movie is memorable, fun, well crafted, and utterly gorgeous. Each time Dorothy opens her sepia-toned door into colorful Munchkin land, the image is as striking as the first time I saw it. We all know the songs and the story, so give this film another watch after you’ve smoked a joint, and let it sparkle before your eyes once more.

Hero (2002)

This is the second (and last, I promise) foreign film on the list, and again, if you can stand the subtitles, it’s absolutely worth a watch. I prefer this film to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, another popular Chinese martial arts epic from around the same time, primarily because of the visuals. Hero contains the same incredible, high-wire martial arts fights, but brings an element of fantasy and elegance by use of color, location, and sets so each fight sequence has memorable distinctiveness.

Across the Universe (2007)

What could be better than a giant Beatles music video? Well, probably a lot of things, but not when you’re high! I remember seeing this film in theaters after trying edibles for the first time, and I thought this movie was a revelation in filmmaking. My opinion changed somewhat after I sobered up, but the combination of beloved Beatles songs and Julie Taymor’s inventive visuals and stage experience make it the perfect “high” movie.

Speed Racer (2008)

Though this movie would qualify as a flop from the Wachowskis, it still fills a special place in my heart as a surprisingly good stoner movie. This movie was filmed entirely on green screen and it really does look like a cartoon come to life. The colors are dazzling, and the races are impossible and mind blowing. This is a movie that I would only recommend watching high, due to the fact that while sober, it feels like nonsense.

Avatar (2009)

Statistically speaking, you’ve seen Avatar. But have you seen it high? For all the reasons it works when you’re sober, Avatar is a great film to watch high. The world of Pandora simply sparkles after a couple hits, and those blue kitties dance across the screen. It’s hard to say more about a movie so many people have seen. Just get high and watch it.

WALL-E (2008)

I could have included any Pixar film for this spot, because the animation is always cutting edge and impeccable, and for that reason alone, it should be on this list. However, WALL-E always stands a cut above the rest in terms of the visuals because of the wide scope—impressive views of a trash encrusted earth and beautifully-choreographed robot dances grace the screen. The simplicity of this movie, and directness of its message makes it even more enjoyable for the stoned viewer.

The Fifth Element (1997)

I have such a love for this movie because it’s just so fun and inventive. Sci-Fi doesn’t get any crazier or more zany than this film, and should be watched for that reason alone. However the stylized characters and sets are so unique and outstanding, that this movie is an absolute delight to watch. What more can, or needs, to be said about Korben Dallas?

Sin City (2005)

Do you like a little darkness in your stoned viewing material? Sin City has you covered. Like Speed Racer, this movie was filmed entirely with CG sets, but unlike Speed Racer, this movie has characters and a story that not only fits the green-screen world, but comes alive in it. This neo-noir world is in black and white, with splashes of color, like blood, or a prostitute’s golden hair. The stories are simple and brutal, just how Merv likes them, and stoners can enjoy the ride too.

Titanic (1997)
Titanic is a movie that’s as 90s as Furbies, and though it may not be at the top of most stoners’ lists, I like to stand up for it. Though the love story in the first half hasn’t held up well since I left elementary school, the second half features phenomenal CG combined with practical special effects that bring to life the sinking of the Titanic as never before. This movie is long, so impatient stoners would be better off fast forwarding through Jack and Rose’s love story beginnings to after the iceberg shows up, when the movie kicks into high gear.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Do you like a lot of darkness in your stoned viewing material? It’s hard (if not impossible) to make a list of visually-stimulating movies without including one directed by Stanley Kubrick. While most lists will include 2001: A Space Odyssey, I find that movie, while brilliant, to be a little tedious. Clockwork Orange feels more engaging to me, and contains an element of deviousness that I can really get behind in my stoner movies. The set pieces and cinematography are obvious standouts in this movie, though you may want to skip this one if you’re squeamish, or are easily triggered.