I hate to say it, but those basic brunch bitches know what’s up sometimes. Brunch is beloved by the basic and hipster alike, and has spawned some truly drool-worthy drinks. After all, what goes better with waffles or eggs than alcohol? Sure, for some people it’s the hair of the dog that bit them, for others it’s the start of their day drinking, but to everyone it’s delicious. Well, mostly delicious—in this list I’ll put into order everyone’s favorite brunch drinks, from grossest, to god-damn delicious. This Sunday, make it a liquid breakfast
7. Bloody Caesar
Apparently the national drink of Canada, this north-of-the-border brunch offering is basically a Bloody Mary with Clamato instead of tomato juice. For those of you blessed with ignorance of Clamato, it’s essentially a blend of clam and tomato juice, straight from Satan’s butthole. I can’t think of a substance more likely to make me projectile vomit.
6. Bloody Mary
It’s a classic, and some may want to fight me for putting it so low on the list, but I absolutely cannot stand Bloody Marys, due to my hatred of tomato juice. Not only gross-tasting, tomato juice has a very particular odor that just carries, infecting the nostrils of all who are near. Every time I’m on a flight I end up stuck next to someone drinking tomato juice, and I spend the flight trying not to gag. In my opinion, this nasty juice doesn’t get a whole lot better with the addition of alcohol… though at least it’s not Clamato.
5. Beer
I like beer, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with beer. However, as a brunch drink, it leaves a lot to be desired. Brunch is fancy time, a time for elegant egg dishes and fun cocktails—beer just doesn’t fit in. Unless it’s the Superbowl, and you’re watching it at noon in Hawaii, you should not be drinking beer on a Sunday morning, period.
4. Tequila Sunrise
I’ve always felt that the tequila sunrise was better to look at than to drink. On first inspection the alluring color gradient looks perfect in a brunch Instagram shot, and the orange juice in it just screams breakfast. However, on first sip, you know you’re drinking tequila. It’s not awful, kind of pleasant, even, in the right circumstances, but a Tequila Sunrise means you’re starting your day drinking off hard. If you start with a Tequila Sunrise, you might not be doing so good by sunset.
3. Shandy
Ah, the beer exception. A shandy, for those sad few not in the know, is a delightful mixture of beer and juice (usually lemonade). The juice helps to balance out the beer taste, and provides a touch of class. You’re not pounding a beer, you’re sipping a shandy. Even if you drink it just for the beer, the juice will help keep you hydrated, and no one will be giving you any sideways looks.
2. Champagne
There’s nothing better than a bottle of bubbly. Champagne is a classic brunch drink, and you should run like hell from any breakfast spot without it. There is nothing that will make you feel like more of a sophisticated fancy-pants than a flute of champagne, and the light crisp flavors pair perfectly with breakfast foods. It almost couldn’t get any better.
1. Mimosas
Champagne almost couldn’t get any better, but it does, in a mimosa. Mimosas can be made with classic orange juice or any other kind of juice you can imagine. This is the ultimate brunch beverage, you get the class that comes with champagne, and the flavor and hydration from the juice. OJ is a breakfast mainstay, so it’s a no brainer to throw in some bubbly for the best brunch cocktail around. The only way it can get better than a mimosa, is if it’s bottomless.