Disney Stoners

Roquefort the Mouse in Aristocats

This lil’ stoney pants has munchies so strong he can smell Crème de la Crème à la Edgar through the wall, and even has a cracker on hand for dunking. Something tells me that he’d totally be that stoner friend who shows up to bum a hit right after you toke up.

Buzzie, Flaps, Ziggy, and Dizzy, the Vultures in Jungle Book

These birds were originally supposed to be voiced by The Beatles, though the Fab Four never got around to recording their lines. However, they still seem to be a parody of the band, and are obviously a bunch of stoners trying to figure out what they’re doing.

Aurora in Sleeping Beauty

Homegirl smoked too much herb and took a stoney nap, a.k.a. asleep for all time.

Ariel in The Little Mermaid

She smokes seaweed and hangs with sea creatures…what’s more stoney than that.

Magic Carpet in Aladdin

I always felt that the Magic Carpet was a very undervalued character from Aladdin. This cool customer didn’t even need lines to get its personality across, and there’s just a laid back attitude to this piece of floor covering that leads me to believe it puff, puffs, and passes.

Tarzan in Tarzan

The only thing this typical skater boy needs is an actual skateboard, since he rides the trees, man. His island-cool vibe totally includes some time to blaze.

Goofy

Goofy is practically the Shaggy of the Disney world, though I guess since he’s technically a dog, he’s Shaggy and Scooby. Either way, he’s not just adorably goofy, he’s stoner goofy.

The Dormouse in Alice in Wonderland

Everyone else in Wonderland is definitely on LSD, but not this lil’ guy! You can see it in his eyes, he’s stoned out of his tiny mouse mind.

Friar Tuck in Robin Hood

Something about him gives off a laid-back and stoned attitude, but the spiritual sort. He must grow his own stash in a tiny garden in the monastery, and when he gets high, he talks to you about the nature of God.

Winnie the Pooh

They say that the characters in the Winnie-the-Pooh series represent mental illnesses, but I say the same argument could be made for them representing drugs. Compared to Tigger (who obviously does cocaine) or tweaker Piglet, Winnie the Pooh definitely tokes heavy and then gets mad munchies for honey.

Why You Should Start Watching The Bachelor

With The Bachelor franchise reaching its 15th anniversary in March, it can be easy to want to blow the show off as an ancient relic. But I happen to think The Bachelor (and its spin-off shows) is becoming much more interesting and watchable. The Bachelor occupies a unique space in the reality TV landscape, as well as American pop culture, and is worth watching for that reason alone. However, there are several other recent changes and evolutions in the series that provide even more reasons to check it out.
1. New Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay

The recent trend in Bachelor nation is that one of the losing ladies or gents from the previous Bachelor season is chosen to become the new Bachelorette or Bachelor, and this season they’ve made history by choosing the first Bachelorette of color, Rachel Lindsay. Try to ignore the egregious mistake of never having a leading lady (or man) of color, by celebrating how awesome Rachel is, and how great it is that ABC is finally rectifying that blunder. Lindsay is an attorney who comes from Dallas, Texas, is in her 30s, obviously gorgeous, and incredibly down to earth. She describes her outlook on the Bachelorette process as skeptical but hopeful, which I think is a refreshing and healthy perspective. Her season is a great jumping-on point for those curious about the series but who haven’t been watching.

2. More Diversity

Bachelor nation shows have never exactly been a bastion of diversity, in fact there are usually painfully few contestants of color, and until season 21 of the Bachelor, no black contestants even made it past week five. Luckily, with Rachel Lindsay cast as the new Bachelorette, the door to wider diversity has been flung open. Some contestants for her season have been revealed, and several of them are men of color, setting a good precedent early on. The previous season of the Bachelorette, staring Jojo Fletcher, featured such a monochromatic cast that I can’t wait for Rachel’s season and a rainbow of hot, eligible men.

3. Appropriate Ages

 

 

 

 

 

There has been a trend in Bachelor nation to cast younger contestants, and to be honest, it just felt a little icky. Bachelor Ben Higgins was only 25 at the time of his season, which feels a little young to be desperately searching for one’s soul mate, and some of the contestants on his season were as young as 23, which definitely feels a little young to be making a marriage-level commitment. Bachelor Nick Viall was 36, and so him dating 23 year olds was really starting to feel gross. Plus, a young cast of contestants inevitably invites more petty and juvenile drama. Rachel Lindsay is 30, and so it is a fair guess that the men on her season will hopefully be as mature as she is, lending to a more believable and appropriate relationship.
4. Bachelor in Paradise

What do you do with all the charismatic, ripe for tv, eliminated contestants? ABC has brilliantly solved this problem with Bachelor in Paradise, the best trash fire of summer. The eliminated contestants are placed on a beach in Mexico to drink heavily, go on dates, and decide via rose ceremony if they want to stay in newly-formed relationships, or ditch their previous partner to chase the hot new tail showing up each week. This show takes itself the least seriously of all the Bachelor nation shows, and has a refreshing tongue-in cheek-attitude.

Not only is Bachelor in Paradise the most entertaining show of the series, but also forges some of the most believable relationships due to the unique set up. Rather than one person having to divide their time between 30-odd people to date, contestants on Bachelor in Paradise spend much more time with each other, giving them a chance to actually get to know each other before getting engaged.

 

5. More Real Emotion Than You Think

 

 

Although just about every contestant knows that they can arrange some sort of Instagram sponsorship post-Bachelor(ette), there are still many contestants that do seem to be on the show for the “right reasons.” There are real connections that happen between people that are not just acting, but actual chemistry. It’s a sort of fascinating look at American dating culture and conventions, as well as general human nature. It take several weeks before anyone seems anywhere close to being “in love,” but by the last couple episodes of the season, there might be some genuinely touching moments.

 

6. I’ll Be Doing Bachelor Recaps

This upcoming season of The Bachelorette I will start writing episode recaps, so even if you don’t take this opportunity to start watching, you can still stay up to date on all the Bachelor drama and nonsense you could want. I’ll be drinking Rosè and writing about all the Bachelor festivities, so you don’t have to! But of course, like most reality shows, it’s more fun watching with someone else, and I can be that someone else.

Beauty Review : e.l.f. Essential Lip Stain

The next cheap beauty item is almost too good to be true, and one of the best products for people who don’t really like wearing lipstick, or want to rock a more natural look. The e.l.f. essential lip stain is only $2, and I picked up mine at Target. The shades I tried had bold colors, but felt like wearing nothing! I was really impressed with the look these lip stains gave, and there was some control over how strong of a stain you want based on how much product you use.

There are four shades of lip stains, including a nude and a pink shade, though I tried the berry and crimson shades to sample. The brush tip comes to a solid point, so I apply the product with the sides of the brush, and define the lines with the point. The more passess with the brush, the darker the color will be, so you can go light or dark with your hue. The feel is great, and it really feels like wearing nothing on your lips at all.

My personal favorite was the berry shade, because it seemed more natural looking to me, and gives you that ‘just ate a popsicle’ look. The crimson shade is a surprisingly bright orange-red, and would be an amazing alternative to lipstick. However, I prefer my red lip to have blue undertones, and a matte finish, so it’s nice but not for me. All four shades have vitamin E added to the formula for hydration, so it isn’t drying at all, and I usually wear the shades with a lip balm over it, for extra smoothness.

I tested the staying power of these lip stains, and was slightly disappointed. The berry shade lasted fine through a smoke session, but the crimson shade didn’t make it very well through my movie popcorn. However, reapplication is pretty easy, since it’s hard to make a mess with this stuff. Overall this is a really versatile lip color, and good for both low key and bold looks. This would be perfect for anyone just getting into lipstick, since there’s a pretty easy learning curve. The best part is you could pick up the entire set for less than $10!

e.l.f. Essential Lip Stain can be purchased here.

Highdeas: Ranking Brunch Beverages

I hate to say it, but those basic brunch bitches know what’s up sometimes. Brunch is beloved by the basic and hipster alike, and has spawned some truly drool-worthy drinks. After all, what goes better with waffles or eggs than alcohol? Sure, for some people it’s the hair of the dog that bit them, for others it’s the start of their day drinking, but to everyone it’s delicious. Well, mostly delicious—in this list I’ll put into order everyone’s favorite brunch drinks, from grossest, to god-damn delicious. This Sunday, make it a liquid breakfast

7. Bloody Caesar

Apparently the national drink of Canada, this north-of-the-border brunch offering is basically a Bloody Mary with Clamato instead of tomato juice. For those of you blessed with ignorance of Clamato, it’s essentially a blend of clam and tomato juice, straight from Satan’s butthole. I can’t think of a substance more likely to make me projectile vomit.

6. Bloody Mary

It’s a classic, and some may want to fight me for putting it so low on the list, but I absolutely cannot stand Bloody Marys, due to my hatred of tomato juice. Not only gross-tasting, tomato juice has a very particular odor that just carries, infecting the nostrils of all who are near. Every time I’m on a flight I end up stuck next to someone drinking tomato juice, and I spend the flight trying not to gag. In my opinion, this nasty juice doesn’t get a whole lot better with the addition of alcohol… though at least it’s not Clamato.

5. Beer

I like beer, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with beer. However, as a brunch drink, it leaves a lot to be desired. Brunch is fancy time, a time for elegant egg dishes and fun cocktails—beer just doesn’t fit in. Unless it’s the Superbowl, and you’re watching it at noon in Hawaii, you should not be drinking beer on a Sunday morning, period.

4. Tequila Sunrise

I’ve always felt that the tequila sunrise was better to look at than to drink. On first inspection the alluring color gradient looks perfect in a brunch Instagram shot, and the orange juice in it just screams breakfast. However, on first sip, you know you’re drinking tequila. It’s not awful, kind of pleasant, even, in the right circumstances, but a Tequila Sunrise means you’re starting your day drinking off hard. If you start with a Tequila Sunrise, you might not be doing so good by sunset.

3. Shandy

Ah, the beer exception. A shandy, for those sad few not in the know, is a delightful mixture of beer and juice (usually lemonade). The juice helps to balance out the beer taste, and provides a touch of class. You’re not pounding a beer, you’re sipping a shandy. Even if you drink it just for the beer, the juice will help keep you hydrated, and no one will be giving you any sideways looks.

2. Champagne

There’s nothing better than a bottle of bubbly. Champagne is a classic brunch drink, and you should run like hell from any breakfast spot without it. There is nothing that will make you feel like more of a sophisticated fancy-pants than a flute of champagne, and the light crisp flavors pair perfectly with breakfast foods. It almost couldn’t get any better.

1. Mimosas

Champagne almost couldn’t get any better, but it does, in a mimosa. Mimosas can be made with classic orange juice or any other kind of juice you can imagine. This is the ultimate brunch beverage, you get the class that comes with champagne, and the flavor and hydration from the juice. OJ is a breakfast mainstay, so it’s a no brainer to throw in some bubbly for the best brunch cocktail around. The only way it can get better than a mimosa, is if it’s bottomless.

Beauty Review: NYX Lip Lingerie

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted a beauty review, so I’m really excited to jump right into my first review of the month with one of my favorite cheap beauty finds, NYX Lip Lingerie. This is one of the best low-cost matte lip color products you can find, and they happen to be quite similar to Kylie Cosmetics matte lippies—some of the shades are even close dupes.

First, the formula: this lip color glides on really smoothly, and is has a creamy and satiny texture rather than being sticky or gloopy. All of the shades have a rich, velvety color, though some swipe on more opaque than others (though I suppose this might vary depending on your skin tone). However, even if a shade doesn’t go on opaque at first coat, the color is easily buildable, and it doesn’t feel like you’re putting on too much product.

This stuff feels like you have next to nothing on your lips, which I absolutely love, because it dries nicely, but doesn’t dehydrate your lips, or dry out so much it starts flaking (which, frankly, is my problem with the Colourpop matte lippies). There is some slight stickiness once it dries, which doesn’t bother me too much, but don’t go kissing your pets with it on! The staying power of these lippies is pretty impressive, holding up quite well to eating and drinking.

The shades I tried were Teddy (a medium greyish brown), Embellishment (a light greyish pink), and Exotic (a light terracotta). The whole collection has twelve very modern colors that claim to be nude shades, though I question that categorization. About half the collection’s colors are different shades of nude, while the other half contain different shades of brown, pink, and light brownish-red. A lot of the nude shades have very slight variation, so I stuck to the more distinctive colors.

I definitely recommend this liquid lipstick to anyone who loves a lip color with a matte finish that stays put. This collection has so many nude shades that you’re bound to find the perfect one, though it might take a few tries. If you’re looking to be more edgy, there are shades here for that too, and the brown shades feel super 90’s and in right now. Plus, at $7 a pop, there’s really no way to go wrong. So treat yourself this month to these well-priced alternatives to the more expensive, *cough* Kylie *cough* matte liquid lipsticks out there.

Dear John,

How do you describe disgust? The taste it leaves in your mouth.  The way your brain buzzes.  The numbness that passes through you.

I am disgusted tonight.  Disgusted to be an American.  Disgusted because we allowed this disease to propagate on our soil.  This disease breeds disrespect, xenophobia, and our basest instincts.  My country did this, and I am so ashamed.

I truly thought we were better than this.  I had hoped, for my own treatment’s sake, that we were better than this.

But we are not better than this.

That is why I don’t want to be a ‘we’ anymore.  I’m breaking up with America.

I know it’s who I’ve been, and what I’ve been used to up until now, but it’s not who I am anymore.  I want to be single, and not an American.

I don’t want to be a part of America anymore.  All I know is that I’m not a part of it.  I need to go my own way, and you won’t let me, so I know it must end.

You’re free now – to do your own thing.

But it won’t include me.

M-Cubed

You might Not Have Seen…Home Movie (2008)

I have to say, from the start, that this is not a good movie. It is, however, a good bad movie, because this movie is absolutely bonkers, but in all the best ways. Sometimes you just want to watch a ridiculous movie that makes you go, “wait, WHAT?!” and laugh. This is that movie.

Home Movie is a found-footage style movie featuring a couple filming their twin children, Jack and Emily, throughout various holidays and events. The “twist” is that the twins are complete evil little psychopaths—making them infinitely more likable than their annoying parents. The father is a priest and the mother is a psychiatrist who is supposed to be monitoring the twins, but can’t seem to admit to herself what crazy little sociopaths they really are, until it’s too late, of course. These parents are idiots to the max—they express unbridled amounts of enthusiasm while their children stare back at them with expressions bordering on open contempt.

From the very start of the movie, these parents can’t get killed fast enough for my taste, they’re just so overly-peppy and clueless. They continuously attempt to engage their children, despite the fact that their children are withdrawn and even actively violent—throwing rocks rather than baseballs at their father, making sandwiches out of family pets, that sort of thing. However, the parents still cling to the belief that their children have manageable behavioral disorders. These are parents who completely have it coming to them, as they ignore their children’s Thanksgiving dinner freakout and instead decide to teach them knot-tying and lock-picking skills, which should turn out just fine (spoiler alert, it doesn’t).

The movie tries so hard to build tension, but because of the fundamental us versus them setup of the movie, combined with the parents’ alarming stupidity, I found myself rooting for the psycho twins. The tone of this movie fluctuates wildly, swinging from fart jokes to crucified animals. Even the found footage style is undermined by editing techniques that do not fit, like intercutting scenes, that completely breaks the illusion. Additional problems that are usual to the found footage genre also pop up, such as characters having little to no motivation to be filming or have the camera on them. The father takes the camera with him for a run, but all that is filmed is when he gets back home, so why bring the camera?

There’s not much redeeming this movie besides the horror misreading as comedy, which is actually pretty entertaining. Everything is so obvious to the audience that the tension building becomes silly, and the kids are the only characters worth rooting for, because the parents are just asking for it. I would only recommend this movie as a companion to several glasses of alcohol, and/or multiple joints, because chemical accoutrements really bring out the humor. This is a movie centered around holidays that can bridge the gap between Halloween and Thanksgiving season—for those who need help weaning off the horror movies of October, this movie could be helpful. So for anyone who enjoys a good bad movie, Home Movie is just right for the season, and though it’s definitely a miss, these filmmakers swung for the fences, to hilarious effect.

You May Not Have Seen… November Theme


The time has come for a new You May Not Have Seen theme for the month of November. This month is going to have a Thanksgiving theme, for obvious reasons. A little on the nose, I admit, but how could I resist? The films I review this month will feature Thanksgiving in some way, though it might not be the main feature of the movie. These movies will range in genre, from horror to mostly dramas, as there are not many comedies to feature Thanksgiving. Obviously the holiday will not be the main focus of my reviews, but in some way they’ll remind you to give thanks; mostly giving thanks that your family isn’t as fucked up as the ones you’ll be reading about. Not surprisingly, a lot of movies to feature Thanksgiving also feature fucked up family dynamics. So let my reviews get you in the mood for turkey, cranberry sauce, and awkward family moments.

Highdeas: Trader Joe’s Fig & Olive Crisps

Trader Joe’s is definitely my favorite place for snacks because while they have familiar favorites like peanut butter cups, they have other products that are unique takes on something you know, like these dope-ass Fig & Olive Crisps! Again, I don’t get paid, by anyone, for these recommendations, least of all Trader Joe’s (please give me money, TJ!). I just like to promote products that I truly enjoy, and think everyone should know about, like these awesome crackers.

So, I’ve never been one to give much thought to my cheese-bearing crackers before. Usually I would just go with the a standard water or wheat cracker, but those days are long gone. These Fig & Olive Crisps have amazing flavor that comes from the dried figs and olives that are packed into each tiny cracker, while providing a good crunch from the flax, sunflower, and sesame seeds.

Now I know some people might have hangups about some of these ingredients, “I’m not a big fig fan,” you might say or, “It sounds too ‘crunchy granola’ for me,” and I understand the hesitation. To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of figs myself, or of products that pack in all kinds of seeds, but everything blends together perfectly in these crackers to produce a salty, sweet, crunchy little square. They pair crazy well with a creamy brie, going nicely with the cheese without overpowering it. They’re also pretty tasty all on their own, and I’ve been eating them as part of my snack bowls with some other dried fruits and nuts, like a fancy person.

So, on your next trip to Trader Joe’s, definitely toss a box of these crackers into your basket, along with a wedge of their triple-cream, extra-yummy brie, and have yourself a nice little cheese plate with your favorite glass of wine…you will thank me.

*these crisps also come in a raisin and rosemary flavor, which I haven’t tried, but bet are awesome.

Beauty Review: November’s Theme

This month’s Beauty Review theme is cheap beauty! In the month of November you want to save up for the presents you’ll be buying in December, so what’s a product-loving person to do? The answer, of course, is buy cheap! Remember, cheap doesn’t have to mean bad, so over the month of November I’ll guide you towards products that are less than 10 dollars, so your wallet will stay as fat as your waistline after Thanksgiving dinner.

This November, be like a baby bird, cheap! cheap! cheap!